Jesus Venn Diagram

via Blag Hag

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Why God Needed iCal

'Coz god nearly forgot Noah and The Floating Zoo.

I don't blame god. A hundred and fifty days is a long time. I would've forgotten everything if I had 3 months of relative peace & quiet away from evil human beings.

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A¹. Noah and animals enter the Ark

B¹. Flood increases on the Earth

C¹. Mountains covered, all living things die

D¹.Waters cover the Earth

E. God "remembers" Noah, God's wind blows over the waters

D². Waters begin to recede

C²: Mountain-tops become visible, Ark rests on the mountains

B²: Flood recedes from the Earth

A²: Noah and animals leave the Ark

 

(source)

The World's First Floating Zoo

We'd only lived a couple of million years, and god had already decided we were irreversibly wicked by then?

God said.. "I am going to put an end to all people, for the earth is filled with violence.. I am surely going to destroy both them and the earth. So make yourself an ark of cypress wood; make rooms in it and coat it with pitch inside and out.
~Genesis 6:13-14

God was angry enough to send the world aflood; what about the state we are in now? Aren't we about a billion times more evil than we were pre-flood days? I say we deserve more than just a couple of tsunamis a year. Our sinful species ought to be completely and wholly eradicated, just like the good ol' days.


1) OK we all know the ark was 450ft x 75ft x 45ft. But seriously, was that big enough for all of earth's animals? Some are tiny but most are huge and need lots of running around space. I mean, have you ever been to a zoo?

And how did he build such a huge ark in such a short time? He only had 7 days for chrissake. And the man himself was 600-years-old!

2) How did Noah go about collecting all the animals and making sure they'd obediently go into the ark? If any of you watch Animal Planet, you'd know animals ain't that easy to handle, ma'am.

3) How were they fed & cared for? Or rather, how was the ark being cleaned of animal dung throughout the boat trip?

If the bible serves to sometimes act as a record of history, what is The Flood supposed to reflect, historically?

I can only guess this may have something to do with the ending of the ice age, where some animals may have travelled (on their own, no doubt) to safety just before their entire home turned into the Arctic Ocean. Have you watched Ice Age?

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How To Choose A Religion: The Flowchart

via holykaw

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My new favourite website: Reasons.org

On resolving the "incest problem":

Not until the time of Moses were laws established forbidding a man from marrying a sister or niece. The timing of this command makes perfect sense biologically, for genetic defects as a result of intra-family marriage would not begin to crop up until after the first few dozen generations.

On the mystery of Cain's mark:

The necessity of this mark indicates that the population of the human race had reached (or would reach) such a level that mistaking Cain for someone else would be a problem.

The text says nothing about what kind of mark Cain received or about its being passed on to his progeny. I see no basis for believing that any one of the races of man carries the mark of Cain.

Read the rest of Finding A Wife for Cain on Reasons.org

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The 9 Most Badass Bible Verses

Click here for The 9 Most Badass Bible Verses by Cracked.com

This one's my favourite:

This is a man's law, right here. When Conan became king at the end of Conan the Destroyer, you can bet he made sure there was a rule just like this his first day in office. "Ladies, we respect your right to resolve disputes in whatever manner you feel necessary for the situation. But, DO NOT GRAB THE JUNK." 

The words in the Bible are actually those of God, speaking to the Hebrews and taking time to add the junk-grab rule into the supplemental commandments that didn't make it into the original 10. This had to be right after God realized his plan for a male-dominated society had a fatal flaw, which is that the women could prevail in any conflict simply by grabbing the men's junk. 

Now, you nervous, liberal types are complaining that this is barbaric and misogynistic. Perhaps, a little context helps. Just a couple of pages earlier, in Deuteronomy 23:1, we get this:

"Emasculated by crushing?" Gah! Everything in the Bible has to be understood in context of the times these people were living in. And, apparently, these people lived in a time when "crushing" the nuts was so common that the crushed-nuts victims were an entire demographic that had to be accounted for in the law. Call these commandments savage if you want, but if you were God, how many nuts would you have to see "crushed" before you overreacted? We're thinking the answer is two.

Of course, if you're not a believer and don't think this "grab the nuts, lose a hand" commandment is from the almighty at all, then it becomes obvious what happened: The rule was handed down by some angry clergyman within the first minute or so of having his junk crushed. All perspective tends to go out the window at that moment.

Go here for all of The 9 Most Badass Bible Verses.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!
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